Marijuna Pills
by Traka the Elf
Summary: THIS IS A PARODY!  NOT MY TRUE WRITING ABILITY!  I don't own Harry Potter!
1. Chapter 1

TADA! A story!

This is humor! Not supposed to be taken as an actual attempt at writing. I am bored.

Harry Potter was sitting on his broom taking marijuana pills. (These wizards are great with drugs).

Hermione was on the broom to and she was smoking. All of a sudden Ron walked up! "WHAT THE (THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REMOVED) ARE YOU DOING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?"

"Go away Ronny poo!" Hermione said. "I'm ditching you for a guy who gives me real drugs!"

"But I (removed) with you!" 

"RON! She's my girlfriend now. I can (removed) with her. HEHEHEHEHHAHAHAHHOHOHO"

"Well, why don't we form a threesome!"

"YAH!" Hermione screamed.

Harry moved the broom down for Ron to hop on. "Here have some marijuana pills."


	2. Chapter 2

Another short parody. It is entitled "The Short Story Where Snape hates Chicken Liver"

Ones upon a time in the magical kingdom of Scotland there was a castle by the lake. And by that lake stood a vampire. His name was Snape. Snape began weeping loudly. "Waaaaa. Waaaaa. Woe is me. My life is so depressing! I can't eeven find any marijuana pills!"

At that thought Snape went to get some marijuana pills. When he returned to Hogwarts he realized he had bought chicken liver. Professor McGonagall came outside screaming, "No chicken liver in zees halls. Notz ons my wathez! You Snape, are a mediocre dunce!"

"NOoooooo!" Snape wailed.

"Detention! Or Ill makez you cleanz outz mine toes!"

Snape went to detention ruefully. There he found whole stacks of… Chicken liver! Snape screamed and ran out the door.

Lily ran up and said, "Here have some marijuana pills. Let's go to Hogsmead!"

Snape followed her. "Here," she said, handing him some chicken liver.

"No," Snape cried, before falling over and dying.

The End


	3. Chapter 3

Yet another Parody

These are fun.

Hermione sat in her tower singing a song. "TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE?"

Her voice was loud and raspy. In the months since Hermione had been locked in the tower she had become increasingly fat. Umbridge, in accordance with educational decree number seven thousand and three, had locked her up for having marijuana pills.

Suddenly she heard a voice from below. "My dear Hermiome I assume it is thine wish come down from thine tower."

"Knight Ronny?' Hermione gasped.

"Yes. It is your beloved!"

Hermione went out to her tower balcony. "My love…" Knight Ronny stopped when he saw how fat she had gotten.

"What is it Sweetie?" Hermione called.

"Um… nothing. I just came to say hi," Knight Ronny said cautiously, hoping the balcony didn't collapse on him from her weight.

"NO!" Hermione screamed. "You're here to rescue me!"

"No I'm not!"

"Oh really? Han why have you made a staircase of bottles of marijuana pills?"

"They're mine." He said, quickly kicking the stair case, so that it collapsed. 

"We are so over!" Hermione screamed.

"Fine! You're a fat toad. I never liked you anyway!"

Suddenly Umbridge ran out of the tower. "What did you just call me?"

"Umm nothing," he said, trying to hide the bottles of marijuana pills.

"Are those marijuana pills?" She asked incredulously.

"No!" he said quickly.

"Detention Weasly! You're going to have to paint my toenails!" She said, laughing triumphantly.

"No! Let me get stuck in a tower and get fat!" He screamed as she dragged him away.

Hermione chuckled at him. She began to sing obnoxiously again, until someone flew a broom up to the window. "Prince Harry?"

"It is me, my love. Let us fly away together."

Hermione chuckled girlishly and hopped on the broom.

b

Hermione's weight had brought them to the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

Parody 4

Thank you for the reviews. They really brightened my day. I found them funnier than the story itself. I have a lot of short things planned for these stories. These will include 'Marijuana Eaters' trials, the giant squid's new obsession, many odd pairings, and Halloween and Christmas specials. (Maybe a Thanksgiving special, but that's during NaNo so I'm not sure.

Lavender Brown sat at the head seat in the great hall. It was a boring day and she had nothing better to do then take marijuana pills. She had the court jesters, Umbridge and Fudge belly dance for her.

She was waiting for her body guard, Sir Navel to arrive. Si Navel wwas taking a long time and Lavender had _too many _marijuana pills.

Suddenly Hedwig flew into the room screaming at Lavender. "You must eat pie from Durmstrang!"

Lavender quickly packed up her bottles of marijuana pills and ran out of Hogwarts, where Sir Navel was waiting. Navel had used to be called Neville, but that was before he converted to breathing. The quickly made their way to Durmstrang. On the way they realized that someone was following them. It was… Ginny!

"I still love you Navel!" She screamed chasing after them Sirius' flying motorcycle.

"He's mine now!" screamed Lavender throwing bottles of marijuana pills at Ginny.

Ginny began throwing marijuana flavored 'Berty Bots Every Flavored Bean' at them.

Suddenly Dumbledore showed up. "Now listen children, let's sit down and talk about why marijuana pills are bad."

**This has been one of my favorites.**


	5. Chapter 5

Parody 5

Hereby entitled "The Anti-Umbridge Association-A.K.A. Toads Shouldn't Belly Dance!"

This does continue off a little from the last one. Not exactly a sequel though.

Harry Potter sat at the long wooden table, holding a council. "No more belly-dancing toads!" screamed the rest of the people at the table.

Loony Lovegood, her mouth full of marijuana pills shouted, "Toaf shoopt bewy danc!"

The others slammed ther bottles of marijuana pills in agreement. So they formed The Anti-Umbridge Association-A.K.A Toads Shouldn't Belly Dance!

So they traded their wands to a farmer for pitchforks. Why? You might ask. Because the farmer through in a bottle of marijuana pills for each.

They stormed the Hogwarts castle screaming, "We The are Anti-Umbridge Association-A.K.A Toads Shouldn't Belly Dance! No more belly dancing toads!"

They marched up the hill naked with their pitchforks and torches. They had traded their robes for torches (There was another bottle of marijuana pills included).

So imagine how this looks for Umbridge the belly dancer watching naked people climb up a hill with pitchforks and torches shouting, "We The are Anti-Umbridge Association-A.K.A Toads Shouldn't Belly Dance! No more belly dancing toads!"

Needless to say she thought she was part of some bad porno.

The group of addicts banged on the door with a large totem. You don't want to know what they traded for that. "We The are Anti-Umbridge Association-A.K.A Toads Shouldn't Belly Dance! No more belly dancing toads!"

"No!" Umbridge shouted standing in front of the doorway.

The group of naked, pitchfork wielding, torch holding angry addicts burst through the door. "We The are Anti-Umbridge Association-A.K.A Toads Shouldn't Belly Dance! No more belly dancing toads!"

Umbridge politely told them. "I have a weapon you can never defeat, naked hooligans."

"And what is that?" Hermione asked.

In response Umbridge began to belly dance.


	6. Chapter 6

Parody 6

The Marijuana Eaters: The plot thickens.

Voldemort, leader of the marijuana eaters stood in a cemetery, _**smoking **_marijuana. Suddenly he pressed the marijuana to his right arm. All of a sudden thirty hooded figures appeared before him. "Master of The Marijuana Eaters I solute you," said one hooded figure, marijuana hanging out of his mouth.

"Move Wormtail."

Wormtail scurried back to is place. "Hello my fellow Marijuana Eaters. We are here tonight to announce a scourge of all those pill takers. They dare to ruin the holy plant we are named after."

One of the Marijuana Eaters put up his hand. Voldemort ignored him. "We are the purest and the holiest. We should be the leaders of the world."

One of the Marijuana Eaters still had his hand up. "What is it Lucius?" Voldemort sighed casually.

"May I ask you something?" Lucius asked.

"You just did. Moving on to the matters of utmost importance. We will rise above all," But suddenly Voldemort stopped and frowned.

Lucius had his hand up again. "What do you want this time servent," Voldemort scowled.

"May I ask you another question?"

"You just did. We are the rightful rulers of this world. We were chosen because of the way we consume drugs. Just as our ancestors did."

Lucius had his hand up again. "WHAT IS THE (removed) QUESTION YOU FOOL?" Voldemort screamed.

"I was wandering about our name," Lucius began.

"The Marijuana Eaters…" Voldemort said.

"Yes. That one. Why are we called the Marijuana Eaters? We don't actually eat the marijuana."

The other Marijuana Eaters gasped. This was a very sensitive subject. Voldemort walked extremely close to Lucius and stared him in the eyes. Then he pulled out a tiny whistle and blew into it shouting, "Fifty laps around the cemetery! Run!"

Lucius began running around the cemetery while Voldemort blew the whistle.

After his fifty laps were done Lucius skipped back up to Voldemort. "So what's the answer to my question?"

Voldemort blew the whistle again. Lucius started to run again but tripped over his cloak and was knocked out.

Suddenly a muggle ran out of the forest. "Y'all are smokin marijuana. Y'all should knowin by now that that stuffs not legal."

Voldemort flew over to the muggle. He raised something in his hand and shouted, "Fifty laps around the cemetery!"


	7. Chapter 7

Parody 7

Part Marijuana Juice'

Harry Potter was tired of getting stoned. He wanted to get drunk. So he told Hermione. "Harry are you a muggle?" She asked when he told her.

"No! I am so not!" Harry screamed.

"Alrighty then let's try to invent some Marijuana juice," Hermione sang happily.

So they got to work. They tried putting marijuana pills in beer. Harry did get drunk and started singing, "TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE?"

But it wasn't marijuana juice.

So they tried blending up marijuana pills with some water in a blender. This made Hermione run around in circles singing, "I'M A LITTLE TEA CUP SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY TEA POT HERE IS MY SPOUT! Oh no I think I got the words wrong!"

Then they try drinking water. Nothing happens but they go around singing, "OH I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER!"

Eventually they try using the liquefy spell. It turns the marijuana pills into a liquid. Harry and Hermione shout, "Hurray! Marijuana Juice!"

They drink some and run around Hogwarts singing, "NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF PILLS ON THE WALL TAKE THEM DOWN WAVE YOUR WAND. NINETY-EIGHT BOTTLES OF PILLS ON THE WALL…"

This causes most of the school to join in even though they have no clue what's going on. This causes Professor McGonagall to join in singing at the top of her lungs. She was a bit old and often forgot the words but it was all good fun. Harry and Hermione start a business called 'Marijuana Juice- Marijuana Pills Favorite Drink'.

Everyone drinks Marijuana Juice and takes Marijuana pills.

"Hey Hermione," Harry said, "What happens when we get down to one bottle of pills on the wall?" 

"Buy some more," She says. "I haven't lost my mind at all," She says while burning a huge stack of books.


	8. Chapter 8

Parody 8

Thank you so much for the reviews/favorites/alerts. They mean a lot. On the other hand… Four updates in one day!

Dumbledore had just completed his study on the three hundred uses of marijuana. He was having much fun dipping his marijuana pills in his marijuana juice.

In the last year he had made marijuana cookies, marijuana toothpaste, and marijuana deodorant. To name a few. Dumbledore ran out of his office shrieking.

Snape the vampire stopped him though. "Marijuana is wrong!"

Snape dragged Dumbledore away.

He dragged Dumbledore to a long beach. Suddenly Professor McGonagall showed. "I love you!" She shouted.

Dumbledore decided they would be married later that day. They had a marijuana cake.

**Sorry this was so random. **


	9. Chapter 9

Parody 9

The characters sat on chairs in a large circle. Umbridge stood in the middle of the circle. "Alright then," She said. "Let us start our session," She turned and pointed at Harry Potter.

"Hello, my name is Harry Potter."

"Hello Harry," said everyone else.

"And I'm addicted to marijuana pills."

"And Marijuana Juice," chimed in Hermione.

"A confession!" screamed Umbridge.

"Yes, I am confessing."

"Harry Potter confessing?" Umbridge said mockingly. "Will you confess you were lying about the return of the Drug Lord?"

"The Marijuana Eaters are back!" he screamed.

"Detention!" she screamed.

"You can't give me detention, this is rehab!"

"I can do whatever I want to mudblood!" she screamed taking off her mask revealing she was… … … … … … … … … The Drug Lord!

Chaos ensued. Harry and the rest of the Gryffindors ran around in circles singing. Finally Voldemort blew his whistle and screamed, "Fifty laps around the therapy session!"

**There will be more therapy sessions to come…**


End file.
